When I left my 26 year marriage, I was convinced that I would be remarried within a year to a man who would spend all of his time with me, doting on me, loving me. I wanted him to be a 24/7 relationship.  Work with me, live with me, play with me, need me.

That was almost 10 years ago. I have been single for all of those 10 years.  If I had known this was how it was going to be, I would never have divorced my husband, as I truly did not believe I could make it alone. I remember a saying that the reason the earth is round is so that we cannot see too far down the road. I am most grateful for my ignorance and for the circular nature of the planet.

For the most part of this decade, you could find me reading and writing, clawing and scraping, and finally pleading, crying and begging God to send me this man, goddammit! Embarrassing pause… 

During one of my (what a dear friend of mine called) “splat” moments, a tiny flicker of light showed up in my mind. What if no amount of law of attraction schemes was going to bring me this man? What if it is the plan for me to be single? What if I have been wasting precious moments of my life in agony over something maybe I really, at the highest level of my being, didn’t want?

Then the huge megawatt light bulb came on…I had been wasting precious moments of my life. I had let nearly a decade go by and there was no telling how many gifts passed me by or things I could have done differently with more love while I was focusing on filling up the gap, left by my divorce, with “the one”.  I could see many of the places I wish I had done differently, mostly related to my children.

It’s been a year since that epiphany and my perspective on life has dramatically changed. I have found myself in deep appreciation for the gift of being alive. I am learning to live with an open heart, foraging through the fear of rejection, allowing myself to risk an uncertain outcome, leading with love, reminding myself there is a gift in every moment, every circumstance. When something appears that feels painful, I am learning to skip to the place where I find the gold rather than dwell in the ouch. Lately yoga is supporting me in finding this place.

Last fall I let myself consider the possibility that I be trained as a yoga instructor so that I could teach as an additional means of supporting myself, while at the same time keeping my body strong and healthy. That seemed a far stretch at the time of consideration and…I am now in yoga teacher training. I started this year with a commitment to being able to do a headstand before the end of it. As a result of that commitment, an interesting string of events followed that have led me to this training.

My yoga practice is deepening. As a result, I am finding a deeper sense of self, a sense of contentment with being alone. I realize as I write the “alone” word, I have a new appreciation for it and no longer feel lonely as a necessary outcome. In fact I feel careful with my time, to be sure I have enough of it. I appreciate things like sitting on my porch in the early morning hours, listening to the world wake up around me and taking the time in the evening to read and write as I am now. I appreciate that I appreciate my time spent alone and I am patting myself on the back for staying with it long enough to get here. Made it.

And…I look forward to a time when I am in relationship with a man who shares that appreciation. He enhances my life rather than defines it, showing up at just the right time. There is great comfort in knowing that. It takes the time clock off my hopes.

Relationship and marriage look very different down the road around the bend.

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Breah Parker is the creator/author/illustrator of Verbal Remedies™. Breah’s book, Dare to Dream, and website http://www.verbalremedies.com are all about living your dreams! Vibrant colorfully illustrated bits of wit and wisdom will have you dancing to the rhythm of and singing the song of your soul! Questions or comments, email breah@verbalremedies.com.